I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
