Yo dont text me then not text me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
