I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
