The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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