Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize