Cold hands, warm shart.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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