Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
