Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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