i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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