Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
