I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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