I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
