The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
