I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
