I got chris browned last night
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
