my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize