Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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