Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
