just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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