when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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