I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
