and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
