I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
