she woke up with a sticky ear
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
