You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
