A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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