you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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