you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize