The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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