I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
