No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
