I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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