If i come over, it means nothing
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
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