Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
