She said her name was "party"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
