Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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