Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
