Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize