You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
birth control should be required to get into college
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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