He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
