Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
