You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
