I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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