you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
