i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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