I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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