I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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