I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
