I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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