Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
