Cold hands, warm shart.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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