You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
