Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize