I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
