Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
