I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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