I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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