I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
