I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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