Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Randomize
