The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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