somebody snuck up and got me drunk
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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