Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
