May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
