I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
