I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
