My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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