Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
