Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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