"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
