i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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