He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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